JOURNAL

When we experience a negative emotion like anxiety or sadness, it is often preceded by an unhelpful thought or biased way of thinking. Our internal dialogue (thoughts) has a huge impact or influence on how we feel and what we do (i.e., our behaviour). Usually, there is a pattern to our thoughts and these can be referred to as unhelpful thinking styles or ‘thinking traps’. These are automatic ways of thinking and we don’t often know we are engaging in these, it happens outside of our conscious awareness. Becoming more aware of these unhelpful thinking styles is the first step in reducing their harmfulness or unwanted negative emotions.

Here is a list of common thinking traps. As you read through each one, consider whether you tend to fall into any of these patterns. Throughout your day, try to notice if you catch yourself in one of these ‘traps’ when you experience negative emotions. Recognising and addressing these patterns can help reduce distress and promote more balanced thinking.

Shoulding and Musting

This thinking style involves frequently telling ourselves, "I should be doing this" or "I must do this." It's a common pattern that puts unnecessary pressure on ourselves and often leads to guilt when we can't meet these high expectations. For instance, examples include thoughts like, "I should be more skilled at this," "I should handle work and parenting effortlessly like others," "My baby should sleep through the night," or "I must never feel angry or sad because I should always feel grateful.”

Jumping to conclusions

This is a very common thinking trap and there are two parts to this one, the first one is when we predict the future and make predictions about what is going to happen (predictive thinking). For example, starting a new job and thinking that you will ‘not fit in’ and or you’re ‘ill-equipped for the role’, even though you have no evidence to support this belief.

The other part to this is ‘mind reading’. This is when we assume we know what something is thinking (even though we’re not mind readers). For example, cancelling on a friend because you are too tired, and assuming now that ‘they hate me’,  or ‘they think I am a bad friend’ then leading to anxiety and stress.

When you recognise engaging in these behaviours, try to catch yourself and simply acknowledge, "I am mind reading; this may not be true, as I can't read minds." Doing this can help reduce the stress or anxiety caused by these thinking traps. The more you practice catching yourself, the less likely you are to fall into these patterns.

Catastrophising

This is a common thinking trap where we perceive a situation as the ‘absolute worst’ or blow things out of proportion. We might view a situation as ‘horrible’ or ‘devastating’ when in fact, if we step back, it might be quite small.

An example of this might be, going on a date, and “thinking if this does not go well, I will never find a partner, I am unlovable, this is the worst”

Again, see if you can catch yourself engaging in these, and say ‘I am catastrophizing”  and take a step back from your thoughts.

Mental filter

This thinking style is when we ‘filter’ in and ‘filter’ our information, or ‘tunnel vision’. We usually tunnel in or focus on the negative parts of a situation and ignore everything else. For example, you may have had a lovely day out with your family, and now you’ve gone home, and your baby will not go to sleep, so you focus on just this, the negative part ie., ‘the day is ruined now the baby won’t sleep, this was an unsuccessful day’.

Catch yourself when you might engage in this, and see if you can recognise, expand your ‘tunnel vision’ to see alternatives to reduce your distress.  

Personalisation

This thinking style involves attributing blame to ourselves for everything that goes wrong or could go wrong, even when we may not bear any or only partial responsibility. This tendency can lead to a guilt spiral and negative emotions. For example, its my fault my baby doesn’t sleep, I have made him like this, even though there are many other reasons why this may be. Or, having a conversation with a friend, and thinking they were annoyed, so then blaming yourself for their mood, i.e., ‘it was my fault they were feeling that way, it was what I said”.

Black and white thinking

Black and white thinking is when we polarise situations into two extreme categories, or we see things as ‘good or bad’ and there is no areas of grey in between.

For instance, we might perceive any mistake as an absolute failure, ignoring any other possible outcomes. This way of thinking often causes overwhelm, turning minor setbacks into what feels like total failures.

Overgeneralisation

Overgeneralisation is when we take one instance that happened in the past or present and impose it on all future situations. For example, having a negative time at an event, so then assuming all parties or events “I will have a bad time”. Another example could be someone experiencing rejection in a relationship and then believing they will never find love again because of one instance.

Labelling

Labelling, or negative labelling, occurs when we categorise ourselves or others based on broad statements or behaviours even though there are many other ways to describe ourselves or others. It is like pigeon holing ourselves or others. We might use negative language to describe ourselves or others. For example, “I am a bad parent because my baby had a tantrum’, or ‘I am an idiot’ when making mistakes. This thinking style often leads to negative emotions just as sadness.

Emotional reasoning

Emotional reasoning is when we rely on our emotions to interpret a situation or event. For example, you might be feeling anxious, so then you assume something bad will happen based on your feelings, while ignoring the facts. This can be problematic as our emotions are not always based on reality and may be due to a number of different causes.

Magnification and minimisation   

This thinking style involves exaggerating others' successes while downplaying your own accomplishments, or explaining away your own positive qualities and achievements.

For example, thinking “everyone  else at the party seemed relaxed and confident, but I was a nervous wreck the entire time. They must think I'm so awkward and incapable.”

Or “all the other mums seem so capable and put together, I am not cut out for this, I am doing a bad job”. In this scenario, you're amplifying the perceived capabilities of other mothers while downplaying or ignoring your own feelings of overwhelm and the challenges you're facing.

Have a go at trying to identify if you do any of these or even see if you can catch anyone else doing these! Any questions? Let me know.

Mini self-compassion exercise

We all feel like ‘sh*t sometimes, life is hard. Why make it harder by treating ourselves like sh*t. We won’t dive deep into the why here (pop in for a session for that), but let’s take a look at this simple exercise to lighten life’s load, ease the burdens of life, and shift negative self-talk.

Practise treating yourself as if you were a friend

While we know how to be great friends to others, we often don't speak to ourselves with the same kindness, and instead can be quite cruel and negative. For this mini self-compassion task take out a pen and paper and complete the following:

Think of a time when a friend has felt bad about themselves or expressed a negative emotion. Jot down what you would do, what you would say to them (when you are at your best), and notice what tone of voice you might say this in.

Now - think about a time when you feel crappy - and notice the internal dialogue you have with yourself. What do you typically say? In what tone?

Was there a difference? If so why? What factors could be at play?

Now write down what might change if you responded to yourself the same way that you responded to a friend?

Shoot the shit and treat yourself as if you were your own friend when difficult emotions arise. Show yourself the care, compassion, and acceptance you deserve and try to shift that sh*ty inner voice.

When we are feeling distressed it can be hard to think rationally and decide how to best help ourselves. Try these quick strategies to look after yourself when life feels difficult.

Physically

Goal = soften the body, get moving, release tension in the body

Examples = exercise (walking, swimming, going for a run), massage, warm bath or shower

Mentally

Goal = reduce agitation

Examples= meditation, reading a novel, watching a funny movie, listening to your favourite podcast  

Emotionally

Goal = self-soothing and comforting yourself

Examples = sitting with difficult emotions, making space, acknowledging, and naming the emotion. Engaging in comforting activities (i.e, cooking your favourite meal, petting your animal, journalling  

Relationally

Goal = connect with others

Examples = calling a friend, playing a game, reaching out to others, sharing your feelings with a loved one.

Spiritually

Goal= connecting to your values

Examples= helping others, being out in nature, meditating.